An Apartment Addicted To Lotions

Everyone has a vice. Some vices are innocent enough (collecting G.I. Joes, Matchbox cars, and belly button lint) and some vices (drugs, gambling, blackmailing the local pizzeria owner) are illegal and put you in touch with some very bad people (e.g., mobsters from North Caldwell, NJ). I freely admit that I might be, possibly, in some roundabout way, perhaps, probably, kind of addicted to my vice, the Internet. I am not alone in needing help. The apartment is overrun with so many lotion iterations that the SO and I are drowning.

Confessing my addiction gives me the right to question others, right?

During every other trip to Target, the SO is compelled to feed her hand lotion addiction. Target knows what its doing by placing the beauty product aisles first so you consider them while you still think you have money to burn. Typically the SO will say, “I need some lotion because I’m low.” When I press her to elaborate on what lotion, how low, and what it does for her, she’s already well into the aisle and not coming back.

Full disclosure: I have a hand sanitizer at work and in the car, but at least it’s practical and I don't drink it.

Our apartment is overrun with lotions. The SO has separate moisturizers for her arms, hands, and legs in addition to travel sizes in her purse. She has no less than four hand lotions: Victoria's Secret Dream Angles, J&J's Melt-away Stress, Jeregen's Ultra Healing (shouldn't be needed if the other lotions did their jobs), something from Ralph Lauren, and some Warm Vanilla hand lotion. Of course we have the complimentary bag of lotions from our resort in St. Lucia. Just as well, she uses Carmex for her lips and lip balm when they are chapped (again, if the first one worked well you wouldn't need a second).







Do people still use this or was my reference dated?

What is it with women and their knowledge of lotions? Before meeting the SO, I meekly used a bar of soap in the shower to clean my face; the same bar I used for the rest of my body in the ultimate sign of bachelorhood hygiene. Now I use the aforementioned Noxzema, and get clean with body wash and a loofah. I didn't know what a loofah was until four years ago (but I must admit it feels nice).

Parents who use lotions will have children who use lotions?

I will always keep sunburn soothing aloe vera lotion at the ready.