I Can't Escape My NJ Driving Stereotypes

This afternoon, amid 70-degree weather in Maryland, I drove to the land of this blog's name. I'm in the NYC suburbs to enjoy tomorrow's 4:15 Giants/Cowboys game (in person!) with my daddy. I've made the drive between MD and NJ countless times, yet I've never been able to escape NJ stereotypes along the Turnpike.

When I'm far from my DC/Baltimore radio presets, I become a lonely ship captain trying every frequency for a glimmer of human contact. Scanning FM, and even AM stations is a tiresome exercise; there's nothing to listen to.Often, the most reliable signal is the NJ Turnpike Authority's looping reminder to buckle seat belts.

NJ license plate? Check. NJ stereotypical modus operandi? Check.

Because NYC radio stations aren't reliable until I'm north of exit 7, I'm forced to listen to the hodgepodge of southern Jersey classic rock. It's either that or the wind. I lose no matter. Call it the Turnpike Dilemma.

I recognize that I'm traveling in southern and central Jersey, but must every radio station play the same songs on the way to my parents' house? If you have passengers, make bingo cards to play along while you scan for something first played in the last 15 years. Because nothing released in the last 15 years makes it to air, checkoff songs from the following: Bruce Springsteen (of course), Bon Jovi (still stereotypical), and Billy Joel (if only for his references to the NJ suburbs).

Don't hate on NJ's jughandles...they just make sense.

Every drive this way includes at least two songs from those three artists as well as a few from Journey and Fleetwood Mac. Either the stations haven't played anything new in 15 years or southern and central residents along the Turnpike don't know any better. No matter, this afternoon's drive included (and I wish I was making this up):

• Fleetwood Mac: "You Can Go Your Own Way" and "Landslide."
• Bon Jovi: "Livin' On A Prayer" and "It's My Life." I realize this was released in the last 10 years, but Bon Jovi's act hasn't changed and this is just more of the same.
• Billy Joel: "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me" and "Piano Man."
• Bruce Springsteen: "Born To Run" and "Glory Days."
  

My sister and I don't represent these stereotypes, but they're alive and well.

Just when I'm in range for NYC stations, with their better signals and songs that don't reinforce NJ stereotypes, I catch the end of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" while smelling the chemical tanks seen in the opening credits on The Sopranos.

Yep, some of my homestate's stereotypes will never die.

Adventures In Back Hair Removal

I always feel 15 degrees warmer than everyone else. When it's 65 outside, I'll be in shorts and a t-shirt while everyone's wearing long sleeves and jeans. My secret? A little too much upper-body hair and I'm not proud of it.

An actor who tries too hard in serious roles and has lots of body hair.

On Saturday morning, I went for a swim at the Y. Disappointed with my back hair's drag during my doggy paddle laps, it was time for a clean slate, err back. That, and my back hair resembled the DC metro area, replete with a beltway and suburbs. I had my back waxed in July of 2007 while visiting my sister in a vain attempt to fit in with the LA lifestyle, but I was a poser and haven't repeated the painful experience.

If you don't count the years of practice, 12,000 calories/day diet, and Olympic medals, I'm right there with Phelps and his hairless back.

Who needs to give jewelry to your SO when you've got a built-in easel to show your love?

Mark Twain had upper-body hair and look where his writing career went!

Guitar Hero World Tour With A-Rod, Phelps, Kobe, and Tony Hawk

My pre-ordered copy had better arrive in the next few days!! As usual, Phelps looks the most awkward on camera. Gotta love Tony Hawk riding in on his skateboard with the drum kit. YouTube'd links to the entire setlist is found here.

Apple Picking Ecstasy At Larriland Farm

With my favorite apple picking farm out of apples, I took my chances with one of the few apple picking farms with apples - Larriland Farm. I was apprehensive because it was a new apple source, but after two hours on the property it has now become this blog's top choice for all things apples, pumpkins, and farm festivities.I   rocked my usual 25 pounds of apples and later enjoyed apple pie. Now, onto the photos!

The first Larriland farm owner was entombed in wood.

The farm has plenty of pumpkins to place on your porch for neighborhood kids to smash.

Pick a squash any squash.


Just a few bucks gets you a hayride that travels slower than walking.

But you get to see paper-mached fairytale characters used without proper licensing fees.

The ultimate Paper Tiger...chortle, chortle, chortle.

Look! It's that girl played by that actress from that movie based on that book that I never read.

"We've fallen and we can't get up," said the grounded apples, knowing they'll never be picked.

Looks parallel to me.

Eating apples with pesticide gives them a real kick on your tongue and burning in your stomach.

Howard County is known for breeding llama-looking species.

Yeah Terps! The on-site chainsaw-wielding woodcutter knows what his audience wants.

The Five-foot tall hay maze...a great place to accidentally lose your kid on purpose for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

I never saw real hay like this in the NYC suburbs.

Maryland Race For The Cure 2008 Wrapup

This year's Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure in Maryland featured 30,000 runners. The temperature didn't clear 60 degrees, but that wasn't about to chill the spirit of the runners and walkers.

I proudly used my New York Giants handwarmer. It held my cell phone and keys, but it was not a fanny pack!

I ran in the second race without a timing chip and unofficial time. And well, unofficially I finished the 5k in 29-30 minutes, starting the run at 8:15 and finishing at 8:44. Unlike my run last year, I wasn't winded, but my knees were throbbing. I'm telling myself that my knees hurt because it was cold and not because my 29-year-old body has the knees of this blog's oldest demographic.

Like every Race For The Cure, this one had plenty of runners who didn't run much in the days before the race and were wholly unprepared. I started slowly and increased the pace as I realized I had enough energy to make the finish line without stopping. Many folks who ran hard in the first mile to get ahead of the pack were sucking wind and walking at the second mile marker. Also, if you're going to walk, that's fine, but walk toward the side of the road.

Bright blue skies oversaw wave after wave of runners and walkers.

25 years after the first Race For The Cure, walkers make their way down the home stretch.

As with every Race For The Cure, it was impossible not to be swept up by the goodwill among everyone. Pinks signs with the names of breast cancer survivors on the backs of runners and walkers gave hope for anyone stuck with this awful disease. Yet, just as those survivor signs gave hope, there were pink signs with the names of those who had lost their battle. It made it clear that my $30 donation was for more than a nice, XL long-sleeved shirt.

Hugs, tears, and smiles abound at the finish line.

While waiting at the finish line I saw many hugs between survivors, their friends, and family. Nobody in my family has fought breast cancer and I want to keep it that way. If a measly 5k run would guarantee that for everyone, I'd say the battle is being won.

Hey Crotch Rocket Rider, Thanks For Almost Causing An Accident

I was unprepared for my unglamorous drive down Route 29 this morning. While I had my lunch and bottle of water, I didn't bring a bazooka to take one less unsafe crotch rocket rider off the road.

Long before the gluttony of traffic lights slows 29 south, traffic was flowing well for 6:45 in the morning. As usual, most of the cars were traveling just above speed, but close together. Driving the same road with the same people everyday allows such a level of comfort.

At least this sport bike doesn't encourage dangerous driving.

I was in the middle lane, just cruising along, when I heard the revving of a crotch rocket. I checked the rearview mirror and saw no single headlight. Then I checked the left mirror, but it only showed a line of cars and trucks. In the second it took me to turn from my left mirror to my right mirror, the biker was tailgating a utility truck in the right lane.

Newsflash...you don't have the right to make a 2-lane road into a 2.5-lane danger zone.

My front right bumper was caddy corner to the truck's back left bumper. Normally this isn't much of an issue because we're in different lanes, but this idiot on his bike had aligned his front tire with mine, keeping all of 2 feet between him and the truck in front. There was so little space between the corners of my car and the truck and not much room between me and the car in front that I didn't think the biking fool would cut in front of me.

Of course he did.

He crotch rocketed in front of me with about a foot to spare, tailgated the car in front and then swerved to the left lane, promptly cutting off another sedan before speeding ahead. I took my foot off the gas after the amateur rocketeer made his move to avoid showing my brake lights and scaring the crap out of the driver behind me.

I can only dream of doing this.

I know that not all, and certainly less than half, of sport bike riders are dangerous and dumb on the road, but it's a safe bet that there are more crotch rocket riders making unsafe maneuvers than you'd find among riders of touring bikes like a Harley or Honda. It's a small minority of sport bike riders, but they still need to exercise caution.

Sport bikes aren't the culprit, irresponsible sport bike riders are.

I would love for my passive road rage to find a legal way to destroy these riders and their bikes. How about flipping them over with a stick in the road, then running them over with Big Foot, and finally blowing them up with any weapons found in Grand Theft Auto. Until then, these dangerous riders will continue to get themselves killed/injured and cause plenty of accidents with their unsafe lane changes.

Where's BIGFOOT when I needed it?

Though my car's position didn't allow it this morning, I will back off and give these asinine riders their space because it's clear they value their time, safety, and lives over everyone else's on the road. Until it's legal to carry a bazooka in your car to blowup unsafe crotch rocket bikes and their riders, it would be nice if they respected other drivers didn't make sudden and unsafe lane changes and didn't ride the shoulder or between lanes while everyone else sits in traffic.

We Won't Reach A Bipartisan Congress Until We Fix This Conflict

I tend to stray from talking politics. We all have our views and it's unlikely anyone will convince someone else to change their mind about who to vote for. Likewise this blog doesn't bring up such topics, but for this post at least, we need to talk about what nobody's willing to talk about.

There are many issues facing the presidential candidates ranging from the economy to Iraq, health care to immigration, and choosing a blue or red tie for debates. Yet neither Obama nor McCain have stepped up to America's, and likely the world's biggest problem - improper toilet paper roll (TPR) direction. Scoff all you want, but this impacts all of us where it matters.

I dream of a day when all custodians learn the proper TPR direction.

Too many TPRs are set to rotate the wrong way. The proper TPR is placed so that the leading edge comes over the top of the roll. Bathroom managers everywhere are making the horrendous decision to lead from the bottom of the TPR. This is an affront to the American way of making tasks as easy as possible so we don't have to think. When it's time to wipe, an overhand TPR is the quickest, easiest, and most importantly, cleanest way to access your sanitary cloth.

Tremendous idea, but poor execution with underhand TPRs.

The underhand TPR is the last thing anyone wants to see when they don't have time for an alternate place of deposit. A recent survey conducted by an illegitimate firm whose credibility has not been recognized found that 94.5% of the time an overhand TPR is advantageous compared to an underhand TPR. The imaginary survey also found that 5.4% of the time neither roll direction is more favorable, and 0.1% of the time the underhand TPR is desired. It should be noted that those 0.1% respondents are all from an underhand TPR lobbying group.

An underhand TPR requires greater distance to reach the paper's edge for successful pulling. At the very least, you must reach around half of the roll's diameter as you flail your fingers for that first piece that you can't see. Often, the edge is resting on the next revolution of paper so your bacteria-laden fingers inevitably scrape the paper just to start the roll. I don't have to tell you (but I will anyway) that nobody wants to wipe with TP that they dirtied themselves, let alone someone else.

I love technology!

If you're fortunate enough to have an accessible edge, you're still traveling a greater distance to find that edge. When you're in need of TP, nobody wants to go from squatting to standing and increase the need for TP in other places. Sorry, it had to be written on the Internet sometime. What's worse, is when you do rip your sheet from the TPR, the edge returns to the start on the other side of the roll. Back to square one.

Ripping an underhand TPR is like reaching a mountain's peak only to fall and climb it again.

Consider yourself lucky when you find an overhand TPR. First, it's closer, negating the need to travel around the TPR's diameter to find relief. Second, you can clearly see the edge, allowing for pinpoint first contact accuracy and no mess on future squares. No matter where the edge hangs after ripping the TP, you'll be able to start and finish cleanly.

Finally a way to show Hello Kitty how you feel about her/it.

The greatest advantage for overhand TPR is a lower rate of premature rotational ripping. Pulling from an underhand TPR requires greater dexterity and touch to not rip the paper as you pull from the blind side. The underhand pull requires the paper to go down and then toward you. It is this directional change where we see the greatest number of elongated paper fatalities.

The overhand TPR is always a simple pull toward. At worst, you have to lift the edge and then pull toward, but you are not forced to change directions. This increases the success rate of elongated paper rolling to over 98%; a number the underhand TPR lobbyists have never refuted. Accidental broken paper pulls from an overhand TPR stem from your friend's cheap TPR buying ways or malfunctioning spindles. If you try to do a quick pull and rip from an underhand TPR it will likely cause the TP to continue rolling off of the roll.

Nobody asked about TPR direction at last week's town hall debate and that's a shame considering how split America has been on party politics. Americans deserve to know where the candidates stand (err, squat?) on this issue. I am B and T Crowd and I approved this message.