I Love It, But I Can't Watch It

I love golf. I love playing real golf, having bought a new driver this weekend. I love playing golf videogames, as I'm excited for the next Tiger Woods game on the Wii. I love watching golf on TV, having watched many Sunday rounds with my dad. Despite my love for all things golf, I can't get myself to watch the PGA Tour the rest of the year thanks to Tiger's season-ending leg injuries.

Today's final round of Buick Open clinched it for me, choosing to watch "Caddyshack" instead of the back nine. The parity was evident, with 10 players within 3 strokes of the lead for most of the day, but the excitement was missing. The leaderboard was faceless. A leaderboard featuring names like Kenny Perry, Matt Jones, Ken Duke, and Bob Tway sounds more like a group of dentists.

Playing music from golf bags would be a start.

Tiger's US Open win two weeks ago was as exciting as golf gets, leaving a trail of unexciting play(ers) in its wake. The world's best player, in a major, coming from behind many times over several rounds, making eagles and 60-foot putts, and winning a playoff hole after the first 18-hole playoff will not be topped. Everything else pails in comparison.

I appreciate great golf and that the remaining players are the best in the world, but they're not Tiger. There are miles of disparity between the #1 player in the world and everyone else. If the Tour's parity holds and nobody wins both of the remaining majors, will Tiger still finish as the Player of the Year? It's a real possibility. If someone is the 2008 Player of the Year, he'll merely be golf's Hakeem Olajuwon. Winning without Tiger is like winning an intramural tournament because the other team doesn't show. You get a T-shirt, ego boost, and trophy, but when pressed about your competition you have to sheepishly admit the top team wasn't around. Suddenly your trophy looks as cheap as it was made.

Tiger will be just fine relaxing on his yacht.

Networks will have to work hard to manufacture storylines. Everytime an announcer brings up one of following facts or variant thereof, take a drink...it's the "Crap! Tiger's Not Playing Drinking Game!"

• "Phil Mickelson, #2 player in the world, looks to show why he's Tiger's rival. He's ready to show the world why he has the best short game." Tiger has no rival. Mickelson vs. Tiger has been shoved down our throats every year and it never materializes. Phil has all of 3 majors while Tiger has 14. If Mickelson's short game is so good, why doesn't he appear on the first page of the scoreboard every week, as Tiger seems to? Plus, Mickelson is known more for his wife, and having two drivers in his bag than actually coming in first place.
  

Vijay, walk behind me. It's where you belong.

• "Vijay Singh from Fiji, whose first name means "victory" in Hindi, is the 10th best golfer in the world, and practices more than anyone, looks to extend his record for most wins over 40 years of age." Sure he was the #1 player for 32 weeks...back in 2004! Since that year he has won seven times which is just a little less than Tiger's 25. If Singh practices the most and he's still not winning then there isn't much hope for him. Finishing in the top 20 is nice, but we remember winners, not consistent losers.
  

Watch it Ernie, you almost showed enough intensity to make yourself interesting.

• "Ernie Els, the South African is consistently in the top 5 of World Golf Rankings, is known as the 'Big Easy'. Hailing from South Africa, he is one of the nicest players on tour. He makes his home in South Africa and plays many events on many tours around the world. Did we mention he's from South Africa?" Sorry, but there's just nothing to distinguish him except for his country of origin...where was that again?
  

The best golf you'll see until 2009.

Tiger is such a force that it's all or nothing for the Tour. We only appreciate him when he's gone. I (and major network producers) took it for granted that he'd compete every Sunday. Thank God for multiple "Caddyshack" airings the last two weekends. Watching that never gets old.

Family Feud For Adults

I was just forwarded this email and asked to give my replies in Family Feud style so here's what I came up with...feel free to provide your own answers.

1-Name something a claustrophobic person should not get into?
Telephone booth (if they can find one these days)

2-What one thing does a woman spend the most time on when getting ready to go on a date?
Talking to her girlfriends about picking out clothes while putting on makeup

3- What is a Spanish word that everyone knows the meaning of?
Mierda (1st word I learned in 7th grade Spanish class)

4- Name something in your bathroom that you leave plugged in all the time?
Electric toothbrush (thanks Dad!)

5- Besides golfers, what is something you'd see on a golf course?
Weekend warriors and lots of NatureMade TripleFlex to sooth their joints (free product placement!)

6-Name a household chore you actually enjoy?
Making sure we receive every channel's signal (it's called flipping through the stations)

7-Name something you walk on:
Water (that's right I said it)

8-Name a place where you see nervous people:
Assassin's meeting

9-Name something that can be cherry flavored.
Underwear (I don't want to know if this is true)

10-Complete this phrase: "I'll never forget my first _____":
Pair of Charlie Brown glasses with Coke Bottle lenses



It's time to play the Feud!

11-Name another word for "Dad":
Abba

12-Name another word for "Mom":
“Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma!” -- Stewie from Family Guy

13-Name something a married couple might want to have 2 of:
Kids (is that a hint?)

14-What is the first part of a person's body to lose the war with gravity?
If he’s not, um, motivated, it’ll go down (time for that little blue pill)

15-Name something that is sold by the bunch:
Children (nope, not a typo)

16-What age would you retire if you had enough money?
Whatever age I am when you read this (if only)

17-Name something you'd find on a kitchen table:
Crumbs from my messy eating (it's hard to deny the truth)

18-Name something that rhymes with "dizzy":
Lizzy

19-Tell me how many people you kissed last New Year's Eve:
One of course

20-Name something you'd see in a jail cell:
Characters from “Oz” and images I don’t want burned into memory

21-Name an occupation where you might work all night?
Walking on 14th Street in DC waiting for out-of-town businessmen (that's why you don't have a receipt for your per diem)

Survey says.....???

St. Lucia....So Long, Farewell

The worst feeling of any vacation is waking up on the last day. Suddenly we cared about the hours and minutes because we had to checkout by 11 and get on the 11:30 shuttle. It was the first time I wore my watch in a week and I immediately felt its heavy burden. It was a real buzz kill. I had gotten used to not knowing the day of week. Time was meaningless to me. The cabana was my sun clock. When the sun crept onto my leg it was some time between noon and 2. I guess. All knew is it seemed like a good time to eat and apply more sunblock.

Regretfully they tell us,
But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye to you.


So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, good night,
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu, Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.


So long, farewell, Au'voir, auf wiedersehen,
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, goodbye,
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye.

The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye,
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye!

Close To The Equator = Stronger Sun

Finally a sunny day in St. Lucia!

And such a sunny day burned the upper-third of my back. I put on lots of sunscreen several times, but to no avail. This sun was really strong. It didn't help that I was in the water a lot too. I played in the water throughout the remainder of the honeymoon, but was quick to find shade and keep my shirt on all day. We also took out a Hobie Cat and traversed the high seas. As the vessel's captain I'm quick to point out that we never tipped over.

Onto pictures!

A sun reflection view from the room.

I call this my "Purplish Flowers" shot.

The rougher oceanside.

An empty beach all to ourselves.

The seas were mighty this day with 1-inch waves, but I managed.


My S.S. More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.


One of the beachside dinners we didn't partake; note how close you are to the next table.


One of the few negatives...no sunsets to be seen with Pigeon Island blocking the sun.

10 Hours Of Travel For Paradise

Our flight left Reagan/National at a little after 7 AM. We were out the door by 4:45. It was a pleasure driving on the normally traffic-filled roads around DC that are usually bumper-to-bumper. We were off the GW Parkway an hour later at which I lost track of the time remaining. Instead of realizing we didn't need to check-in two hours early, I took the first parking choice and grabbed a daily parking ticket. The same daily parking lot with $20/day maximums. Eight days at $20 = a lot of cash upon exit. Damnit. It was a complete brainfart by not choosing the economy parking, also called long-term in most cities, but I didn't want to risk missing the flight under any circumstance.

So long rush hour traffic!

We made (I ran) our way to the check-in like I did for the B and T Crowd's family trip to California in 1994 when I had to hold the flight. Unlike that time, there was zero need to rush, but my stubborn one-track mind was in control. Our early arrival presented the option to upgrade to first-class for $90/each. In one of our few vacation splurges we went with it and boy was it nice. I enjoyed two continental breakfasts and plenty of drinks. It was our first time in first class and now we're spoiled. The legroom, silverware, table cloths, and free headphones were the tip of the iceberg.

Almost three hours later we landed in Miami. After a brief layover and 3.5-hour flight we were on our way to St. Lucia. We had just walked in from the tarmac before it poured at which point we were told St. Lucia's rainy season began in June. Just what we wanted to hear. After customs and claiming our bag we searched for our van. Thanks to numerous TripAdvisor.com reviews we were prepared for the trip starting with the airport. Several people offer to cart your bags to your van, but the walk is all of 30 feet through two doors. We blew'em off as Tripadvisor suggested and I felt like the smartest guy in the room.

A rainbow to start your honeymoon is a good sign.

We got in the Sandals Grande van and were on our way, leery of the mountainous, curvy roads ahead, in addition to the unnatural left-side of the road driving. I had my Dramamine so I had no worries. A girl next to me wasn't doing so well so I offered her some, after all I didn't want the eventual alternative. We checked-in and enjoyed some champagne and cool towels. Our honeymoon grande luxury oceanfront suite was great!

So inviting....

Dual sinks? I'm sold.

We were starving so we ate at the closest restaurant to us, a London style pub with okay food. A few reviews suggested bland food and this seemed to reinforce it, but in the end, the food was very good at all other restaurants. We never returned to the pub. After a walk on the pier we were beat and turned in for the night.

I Lost My Mancard On Saturday

It was hot and humid so what better way to pass the time than to see the "Sex and the City" (SATC) movie in an air conditioned theater at the Columbia Mall on Saturday. A dozen other folks had the same idea.






Three other males took in the estrogen overload and were suckered into going with their wives. At least I wasn't emasculated by myself. The movie did not start at 10:15 as promised, or I should say the endless chick flick previews did not start on time. At 10:25 I went to the ticket guy and told him of the issue. Two minutes later I had the honor of watching four chick flick previews. Who'd have thunk that I would be the one requesting theater management to start the movie. The earlier it starts, the earlier I get to leave I suppose.

The movie was just good enough to enjoy as long as you followed the show.

The truth is all of this is a front. Having watched the entire series, I had some interest in seeing how the characters' lives shaped up. I know I am not the only one. The only thing I feared during the movie was Sarah Jessica Parker's (SJP's) horseface elongated to seven feet. To be fair, she did look better than awful in 5% of the movie. It's a start.

Does anyone wonder if these two will end up together?

So about the movie itself...it wasn't so bad afterall. The movie played like four episodes spliced into a two-hour, 15-minute relationship drama. If you're not familiar with the series you won't like, nor appreciate the movie. A quick refresher is provided during the opening credits, but it's not enough to clue someone into their history. A few scenes dragged, but overall it did move just fast enough that I didn't check my watch. The script didn't sway from typical SATC topics, humor, and double-entendres. Plus there was some frat humor with someone sharting herself. Always hilarious!

Four of these things belong together
Four of these things are kind of the same
Can you guess which one of these doesn't belong here?
Now it's time to play our game (time to play our game).

The movie would have been tighter if SJP's boring assistant wasn't shoved down our throats so often. Perhaps to appease unnecessary complaints that SATC has no black actors (see Blair Underwood), the only black actor/actress in the movie was Jennifer Hudson, a nobody who sang on American Idol. It's an insult to actors and actresses everywhere to call Hudson an actress. Her lines were delivered as flat as a 4th grade play. Filming her in oversaturated white Lighting couldn't hide her poor acting. Her role in the movie shouldn't have been as large (no pun intended) and the writers should have thought of other ways to move the story along without her.





Sex and the City Part 2: Active Senior Living Center

Nevertheless, the movie was enjoyable and a fitting conclusion to the series. The writers didn't tinker much with a formula that worked so well for their bank accounts. And I'm okay with that.

Not-So Live Blogging From St. Lucia

Check it out, a virtual live blogging entry from the honeymoon!

Here's what we did today:

Anytime in the morning: Relaxed.

Anytime in the afternoon: Relaxed.

Anytime in the evening: Relaxed.